FINDING NEVERLAND

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I thought I was capable of finding.

You see, I think a lot. I think a lot about thinking, about being, about acting. I do all of them in my mind, in my head. Silently, I was observing. What am I capable of, what kind of life do I want, what kind of house I live in, what kind of car I drive, and what kind of conversation my partner and I would have. I didn’t call for attention. These quiet spaces are all I need. In this phase of intersection, every day I open the door for opening the next door. The room is comfortable and the other room sent me sadness but I just keep discovering myself. I met a lot of faces even a thousand faces. Assessing them, understanding and appreciating every step they made. One lesson I got, is I don’t wanna be “the worst person in the world” (That’s actually the Grammy nominee movie. And, yup the character was so dumb! I’m afraid if I was her. I don’t wanna be her in life!).

I’m not typically sharing the worst destiny with people, but then many things happened in my life. Like four arrows stabbed into a little girl. You cannot see the blood coming out, but NO! she is confused about which arrow she should release first. Make her alive at 27 years old. I’m not sure how to convey my feeling. I began to speak to my mom, sister and friends. That’s actually relieving. They empathized better than I expected.

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Career, trying to do many things at once.

I think each of us could become more than one thing. We are two or three-dimensional, and shouldn’t be confined to one role. This year I have thought of being a scholar and entrepreneur. Reading financial books and BHOOM want to be a founder in a day (a crazy girl! You must go through the process). I kept feeling like I hadn’t done enough and hadn’t put my best on both. I was fooled by being academically smart and rich enough. But then what I need is a peaceful space, free time to drink green tea in the garden, or even eat ice cream in a crowded place. I always forget that what I want is serenity. All serenity I’ve got came from living in a moment and trusting God.

 

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Families, staying in touch. 

As the youngest girl in a family, I always relate myself to my other families. Sister, brothers, and their families, I do really love them for the whole of my life. All the pray after salah are always for them. I always trust them; they will always have a great life.

As millennial entering 27, I switch roles with my parent. Trying to be stable financially, providing all the stuff I need, and living independently. Time went on, and my mom pretended to make me worry about her age (I knew, but Alhamdulillah she is healthy. She is even really productive by waking up at 3 AM doing many things). Sometimes I'm worried but I'm also proud of my mom, who has been rising all her children and is also kind to everyone around.

 

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Partner. I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love again; once is enough,

 

I’ve asked many friends to choose between loving or being loved. I cannot find a clear answer for these two options. But I will choose to be the woman who will find a home in person. With these new tenets that I have been facing all my life, whether by myself, with a partner, or something in between. I have promised myself to make a mindful choice every single day. Listening to my rational mind and newly discovered belief about the kind of meaningful relationship I truly deserve.

Compatibility results from your efforts, but there is a minimal level for it to operate, and self-awareness is essential. This isn't quite scientific, but I agree this concept is incredibly useful for assessing (and hence achieving) compatibility in a romantic relationship. To begin, compatibility comprises five ‘tanks’: intellectual, emotional, spiritual, physical, and material (not necessarily in that order). Possessing one tank full is not enough if any other tanks are empty. Spiritual compatibility means you’ve shared the same attitude towards faith and want to improve each other. However, academic compatibility does not imply a shared academic field, and material compatibility does not mean coming from the same socio-economic background. Importantly, being at the same level of self-awareness is more important than anything else. Even if you are characteristically opposed in some areas, having a language and toolset to discuss it would be beneficial.

 

For you who read all these words, Thanks a lot.

Em.